Red Fury

I expected this tasting to be glorious. Cyprus's purported best wine, Spain's tiki-taka, Cristiano Ronaldo's cocky petulance and The Wife, Ph.D., all together in one giant gift basket waiting to be unwrapped. To be honest with you, an hour before the match my pores were oozing with excitement. I could not wait.

Boy was I wrong. Saturday's tasting was lesbian pornography starring the Eva Triumvirate (Mendes, Green and Herzigova with Longoria-Parker coming off the bench) compared to what went down on Tuesday night.

First, The Wife, Ph.D., was craving pasta. What her highness wants, her highness gets. Even if it disrupts my pseudo-diet. Conchiglie with prosciutto, ricotta and peas. Boom goes the dynamite.

Second, once the meal was served and I called out her name (not in a good way), she showed up at the table with globs of anti-acne cream all over her nose, left cheek and chin. The Little Miss Giggles pijamas she wore were short and sexy but that was not enough to distract my attention away from the match-the-dots game that had taken over her usually lovely face. Nice.

Third, she took a sip of the Shiraz and said it matched football quite nicely. Then she spent all of the first half and a significant portion of the second on her cellphone blabbing away. She hardly acknowledged the match, let alone comment on Fernando Torres' firm buttocks, Xabi Alonso's thick thighs or Carles Puyol's haircut. During this time, I drank most of the bottle, checked my Facebook page ten times and finished reading George M. Taber's Judgement of Paris: California vs. France and the Historic 1976 Paris Tasting that Revolutionized Wine, while watching what ended up being an unexciting performance by both teams. Not even the rumor that CR7 had taken out his frustrations on a poor journalist by hocking a loogie at his camera lens saved the night.

2008 Domaine Vlassides Shiraz - Deep, dark burgundy appearance. Spicy bouquet with hints of freshly ground black pepper, nutmeg, cloves, coffee and blackberries. Full body, good balance between the fruit and tannins. A tad too much alcohol (14 percent) though. 90/100.

By the way, Sophocles Vlassides is the man when it comes to wine here on The Rock. He was recently profiled in The Boston Globe. Check it out.

Overall Football-Watching Experience: 2 out of 5 and only because the wine's high alcohol content made me slightly gleeful by the end of the match.

Third Tasting: July2, Uruguay vs. Ghana

Wine: 2009 Zambartas Rose Lefkada/Cabernet Franc